Bored at work again... (based on a true story)

To: Thos
From: Friends

These were the words inscribed on a pale yellow sticky-note. The note itself was affixed in a loving manner to a red plastic bag. The bag's contents weighed but one pound, while the bag itself weighed little. It was, perhaps, the contents of the bag that intrigued me most, though the bag itself was also interesting. For you see, much could be gained from the contents, but the bag could only carry things and suffocate little children -- well, maybe it could suffocate large children or various-sized adults, but it had no indication of this ability. And so it was that I opened the bag and began to remove the contents. The contents were many and varied in size, shape, and quality. Even so, the love and care that had gone into each and every individual object was clear. This had been the work of years. And the bag lay sadly on the desk, alone and forgotten as its contents were admired.

As I began to examine the objects closer and test their abilities, I kept having this nagging thought that the bag could also be enjoyed. "But what about the little children?" I thought, for I did not wish them to suffocate since this activity often leads to death (or so I'm told). With this objection I was able to push out thoughts of the forlorn bag whenever they came. Perhaps if I had paid more heed to these thoughts, things could have turned out better...

But the children! Even now, the thought sickens me! Who could possibly expect me to risk the lives of little children for the simple pleasures of a red plastic bag? And yet... and yet in retrospect I know better -- these thoughts for the children are nothing more than vain attempts at assuaging my guilt... justifying my actions...

It is easy to look at what happened and think poorly of my deeds and judge me harshly, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I merely attempt here to lay out what transpired. You are free to judge, but be aware that in doing so you are no better than me (again, justifying...).

As I continued to enjoy this gift from friends, I began to think and wonder who these friends might possibly be. Why did they give me this unsolicited gift? How had they gotten into my office without my noticing them? And perhaps most importantly of all, since when do my friends do nice things for me? I reflected on these questions as I drank my delicious, very low sodium A&W Cream Soda, which was very delicious. As I threw my now-empty A&W Cream Soda aluminum can into the recycling bin (we have quite the recycling program at work), it suddenly hit me. I rushed back to my office and reached out for the red plastic bag, but it was gone! "Oh no! THE CHILDREN!" I screamed, before I could stop myself. My office-mate (behind his back I call him chump) looked up and said, "You don't have any kids. What's goING ON?!" He had to yell out the last syllables, as I was already running out the door.

About 30 steps down the hall, I had to take a break. Computer programmers aren't accustomed to running, after all, and I had to take a breather and massage my calves. I was sweating bullets and breathing hard, remembering those lost days of youth when I used to scream around the neighborhood on my bike with my childhood pals. "What has happened to me?" I thought woozily. It was then that I collapsed on the floor...

When I came to, it was all over. Chump had found me and called an ambulance. As I lay in the hospital, I watched the evening news. It was all there. The red plastic bag. The children. The "friends". Oh, how could I have been so stupid? And as I sit here, back at work and fully recovered, I can't help but think that perhaps things could have ended better if I didn't sit in front of a computer all day... caffeine free A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda excepted...

Ah, Pluto. I knew thee well...

So in case you haven't heard, Pluto is no longer a planet. This will no doubt come to many of you as a shock, and maybe some of you will cry -- I know I did. There's no shame in it.

I grew up thinking Pluto was a planet. I had many teachers that made a point of teaching that there are 9 planets in the solar system, with Pluto usually being the furthest from the sun, except for those crazy times when it intersected with Neptune's orbit and momentarily felt the thrill of being planet #8. Those were certainly happy times; times when a young lad (or lass) could look up at the sky and wonder. But science has once again decided to redefine the very elements of my soul.

I can't help but feel that Pluto's demotion to "dwarf planet" will lead to my own feelings of inadequacy. Certainly, I fear that I may one day too be reclassified as a "dwarf human" since my meager 67 inches of height are woefully below the average of males in our giant society where bigger is better and more is never enough. I can't help but feel that the redefinition of "planet" was designed with the express purpose of removing what many considered to be "the embarrassment of our Solar System". I remember people saying, "Pluto is lame. I hate that cold, barren, tiny little rock out there!" I guess even scientists cave in to peer-pressure.

Shame on you, scientists! Give me my childhood back!

So here's to Pluto! Astronomers may refer to you as "a big floating rock or something," but to me you will always be the greatest planet in the Solar System! For only you, Pluto, have the integrity, guts, personality, and yes, the charm to buck the trends and carve your own crazy orbit. It is unfortunate that this non-conformism has in turn ostracized you from those who need you the most, for the coming generation will not know you in your full glory, if at all.