For Brunhilda, with love.

Once, long ago, in the darkest recesses of the deepest pits of the foulest corners of Hell, an evil little creature was sick. This was certainly not uncommon, for it was Hell and pretty much every bad thing happens there on a fairly constant basis (not every bad thing happens there since annoying phone conversations are considered too awful even for Hell). Anyway, what was unusual was that this creature was so sick of wiping his nasty snot all over his arm that he decided to do something about it. And thus it was that he took advantage of a rare trip to Heaven (to do a status report or some such nonsense) to procure for himself a tissue. This was no measly Kleenex, friends. No, this was a tissue from Heaven -- a Heavenly tissue. Such a thing could not exist in our world, for its mere presence would cause us all to immediately cease to exist, what with its great glory and all that.

So the creature returned to his dark recess that was his home, and with great anticipation he revealed the tissue to his snotty nose. The feeling was indescribable! There was no pleasure, for this was Hell, but perhaps one could describe it as a momentary absence of excruciating pain. Best of all, the sickness was immediately cured, and all the disgusting mucus disappeared! A true miracle! Sadly (or happily, depending on how you think), the little evil creature died. The tissue was simply too effective it seems, for it absorbed all of the mucus in his body as well as "curing" him of mucus membranes. In other words, his mucus membranes all disappeared and he died a most horrendous, mucus-free death.

The worst thing of all though, was the change wrought over the tissue. This Heavenly tissue was never intended for the minions of Hell. Indeed, it was only ever meant to daintily touch divine little noses, and that only when the perfect nose was tickled by an adorable kitten (or a widdle puppy, if that better suits your idea of Heaven), for clearly no Heavenly nose would expel a nasty snotty mass. But I digress. Suffice it to say that this tissue was meant for Heaven (no matter its apparent uselessness) and not for Hell. Thus it killed the creature, but in doing so it absorbed massive amounts of evil nasty which changed and corrupted it, giving it consciousness and logical reasoning. It even developed motor skills! And thus the Heavenly tissue became the Incorrigible Tissue from Hell (though its origins might be argued as truly being from Heaven...)!!!

Well you can be sure that ITH (as I shall call it since I'm lazy) was mighty unpleased to be in Hell once its cognitive abilities started kicking in. It was also quite upset to find itself dripping with nasty (I used it as a noun again to make a point). The fact that it was evil nasty just made it that much worse (yep, once again to make a point). This was when ITH discovered an amazing ability: no sooner had it thought about how much it wanted the mucus gone than the snotty drippings were absorbed into ITH's body, never to be seen again! This was astounding! ITH then thought about how annoying the fire was that was burning all around, and POOF! it was absorbed as well! Actually, it was more of a WHOOOSSHHHH!!! than a poof, but I can't take it back now. ITH was not only absorbent, he was SUPER absorbent -- nay, MEGA absorbent! Not only was this wicked mad cool, but it was also rad. ITH was quite happy. So he left Hell and went to Earth (Hell was quite pleased to see ITH leave, and consequently re-stoked its fires).

The next record we have of ITH is when it suddenly showed up on the shores of the Great Salt Lake. Apparently it had been traveling around the globe absorbing minor lakes and streams, testing its abilities. After soaking up most of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, it decided to try something more deserving of a mega absorbent tissue from Hell. So it came to the Great Salt Lake. It just so happened a friend of mine was enjoying a leisurely stroll out on the water (haha, funny salt joke) when suddenly all the water whooshed away (not poofed, mind you)! As he picked himself up off the now-dry lake bed, he chanced to see ITH as it glooshed off towards Salt Lake City. That's when I received the call.

"Thos! There's this tissue coming your way! I think it's from Hell, and it's probably safe to say it's rather incorrigible!" This was the call I had been waiting for. See, I had been sent to Earth for a special purpose. I never knew what that purpose was until I received this call. We've all been sent here to do something only we can do, just most of us don't know what it is until just before we do it. This was when I realized my purpose.

I hopped in good ol' Nader the Mantis (that's my car, people) and cruised on down the street at a very satisfying 115 miles per gallon. Then I had to stop at a stupid light, and that ate into my mileage, but I got some of it back as I hit a fine cruising speed again, popping from 2nd gear straight into 5th. Oooohhh yeaahhh... smooooth...

So anyway, it wasn't too difficult to find the Incorrigible Tissue from Hell. It was rampaging through the city, clearing up innocent civilians' congestion and relieving sinus pressure. I couldn't stand idly by and allow this to continue! I rushed up to the tissue and begged it to cease the madness, but it ignored me and continued to absorb mucus. It was clearly incorrigible, as my friend had suspected. Well, it was time to act. I ran up to the tissue (because while I was pondering things it had continued its frenzied absorbing) and grabbed it. It seemed as though it was trying to speak, but the thing hadn't any way of communicating so maybe I imagined it. Anyway, I brought ITH to my nose, and blew as hard as I could.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been blessed with mucus membranes capable of producing unlimited quantities of mucus at any given time, I just had to believe. Well, the biggest load of snot in all its lovely varieties of colors and consistencies erupted from my nose. ITH made a valiant attempt at absorbing it all, and for a while I was afraid even my snot-producing abilities wouldn't be enough. But just when it seemed that all was lost, the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen came up next to me, took ahold of another section of ITH, and blew the most beautiful slightly-viscous goo out of her nose! Our combined onslaught proved to be too much for ITH, and all of its mind functions ceased. Soon it became a limp, lifeless tissue. As I gazed into the wondrous eyes of the woman who had aided me, sniffing the leaking snot back into my nose, I had the greatest sense of accomplishment and fulfillment I have ever known! I barely noticed as the tissue was gently pulled into the heavens by some unseen force.

The tissue no longer concerned me. I had found the woman of my dreams, but that's another story.

Oh, and did I mention ITH also absorbed people's drinks and things? Yeah, it wasn't just snot and helping people. That thing was downright evil... from Hell, I tell ya!