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If, as has been suggested, a blog is nothing but a sewer for mind defecation, then it should be obvious that I have been suffering from an extreme case of mental constipation. It has been quite painful, I assure you, and as such I have taken steps to fix it. While finding laxatives for your bowels is both easy and fun (that's a reference to youthful days of finding ingenious ways to loosen the bowels of my friend's siblings...), procuring mind laxatives has proven much more difficult for me. I have been told that alcohol and some illegal drugs are great at opening your mind and letting the thoughts spill out unfettered by silly internal dialogue, but my personal morals keep me from partaking in such wonders. I am thus forced to simply push through this ailment unaided.
It is unusual for me to resort to scatological discussions, but even someone as prim and proper as myself has to deal with these issues. The body is lame and weak (a pansy, if you will), and unable to absorb and make use of a startling amount of the food we ingest. Likewise, our brains are constantly absorbing more information than they know how to deal with, and they just have to slough off some of that nasty, stinky waste from time to time. Normally I like to try and pretty it up before I plop it in the porcelain blog, but today my creativity is at an all-time low. I believe I've had a creativoscopy.
Combine all this with the fact that the Internet lines for our office were physically cut yesterday and we may not have Internet access until 5:30 tomorrow evening, and you will understand why I have no choice but to sit here and write whatever comes to mind. I apologize that my mind frame is not in a more pleasing state. I could attempt to talk about butterflies and roses, but such things disgust me... yet I'm up for the challenge.
In an emerald green valley lived a happy little family of butterflies. These were no ordinary butterflies, however. They were rich beyond imagining, for they lived in a giant bed of roses. These roses were also extraordinary, for they grew in colors incomprehensible to the frail human mind. Their beauty was above that of the most beautiful thing you can imagine, and their scent was different for each creature, pandering to what each subject considered to be the most desirable smell of all. Needless to say, the rose butterflies were the envy of all insects everywhere, but there was no ill will within the valley.
The rose butterflies were kind and gracious -- magnanimous even. While it was forbidden by the butterflies' god to allow others into their rose bed, the butterflies did not consider themselves better than their peers, and would give what they could to the betterment of the insect kingdom. Bugs and arachnids, on the other hand, were of course shunned and abused as they should be. It was not uncommon for the butterflies to organize events recalling the Coliseum of Rome, with spiders battling centipedes and snails. It was this combined with the butterflies' completely inoffensive nature that endeared them so much to the Yellow jackets, katydids, ladybugs, earwigs and other insects of the realm. But something was about to go horribly wrong.
One gorgeous day when the happy sun was spreading joy across the rose butterflies' emerald green valley of beauty and splendor, a most joyous event occurred. A caterpillar had recently cocooned itself on the stem of a rose that was the most stunning of any rose that had ever grown in the valley, and on this day the chrysalis opened, revealing a butterfly which was truly a sight to behold! Not only was it most pleasing to every sense, it also drove all thoughts of pooh-related humor and such from the mind. Truly, it was a miracle! But all was not well.
Such beauty as this was never supposed to present itself to our world. Indeed, this butterfly was the proverbial butterfly whose wings would create hurricanes midway around the world. Only in reality, it was much worse. It happened slowly at first, since the valley was accustomed to seeing things more wondrous and amazing than anywhere else in the world, but with time it became apparent that the mere presence of the butterfly was causing drastic changes wherever it went. Anything exposed to the butterfly's wonderment would become self-conscious, noticing every little flaw it possessed when compared to the butterfly. This could only lead to eating disorders, expensive surgeries, and depression. Since medical science had yet to progress far enough to treat insects and roses for eating disorders, slugs had no faces to lift, and bumble bee liposuction hadn't been perfected yet, every object in the valley (both animate and inanimate) gradually descended the downward spiral into the very pit of self-loathing.
The butterfly was not unaware of the suffering it was causing, and so unable to bear seeing the sad state of its friends and family, it left the emerald valley. This proved disastrous for the rest of the world. Being vastly more repulsive and disturbing than those beings which inhabited the valley, those in the rest of the world were instantly driven to insanity. Those who could afford it went to plastic surgeons, but this only resulted in increased depression since even with fake beauty they failed to compare to the butterfly's innate grace. Indeed, even the prettiest and most self-confident of my readers would have been driven to the brink of suicide.
That's why I grabbed my fly swatter and killed the thing. The End.
Ah, well, that was some much-needed relief. I'll try to do this in private next time...
And if you're wondering, the Internet is still down. Work sucks right now.
Once, long ago, in the darkest recesses of the deepest pits of the foulest corners of Hell, an evil little creature was sick. This was certainly not uncommon, for it was Hell and pretty much every bad thing happens there on a fairly constant basis (not every bad thing happens there since annoying phone conversations are considered too awful even for Hell). Anyway, what was unusual was that this creature was so sick of wiping his nasty snot all over his arm that he decided to do something about it. And thus it was that he took advantage of a rare trip to Heaven (to do a status report or some such nonsense) to procure for himself a tissue. This was no measly Kleenex, friends. No, this was a tissue from Heaven -- a Heavenly tissue. Such a thing could not exist in our world, for its mere presence would cause us all to immediately cease to exist, what with its great glory and all that.
So the creature returned to his dark recess that was his home, and with great anticipation he revealed the tissue to his snotty nose. The feeling was indescribable! There was no pleasure, for this was Hell, but perhaps one could describe it as a momentary absence of excruciating pain. Best of all, the sickness was immediately cured, and all the disgusting mucus disappeared! A true miracle! Sadly (or happily, depending on how you think), the little evil creature died. The tissue was simply too effective it seems, for it absorbed all of the mucus in his body as well as "curing" him of mucus membranes. In other words, his mucus membranes all disappeared and he died a most horrendous, mucus-free death.
The worst thing of all though, was the change wrought over the tissue. This Heavenly tissue was never intended for the minions of Hell. Indeed, it was only ever meant to daintily touch divine little noses, and that only when the perfect nose was tickled by an adorable kitten (or a widdle puppy, if that better suits your idea of Heaven), for clearly no Heavenly nose would expel a nasty snotty mass. But I digress. Suffice it to say that this tissue was meant for Heaven (no matter its apparent uselessness) and not for Hell. Thus it killed the creature, but in doing so it absorbed massive amounts of evil nasty which changed and corrupted it, giving it consciousness and logical reasoning. It even developed motor skills! And thus the Heavenly tissue became the Incorrigible Tissue from Hell (though its origins might be argued as truly being from Heaven...)!!!
Well you can be sure that ITH (as I shall call it since I'm lazy) was mighty unpleased to be in Hell once its cognitive abilities started kicking in. It was also quite upset to find itself dripping with nasty (I used it as a noun again to make a point). The fact that it was evil nasty just made it that much worse (yep, once again to make a point). This was when ITH discovered an amazing ability: no sooner had it thought about how much it wanted the mucus gone than the snotty drippings were absorbed into ITH's body, never to be seen again! This was astounding! ITH then thought about how annoying the fire was that was burning all around, and POOF! it was absorbed as well! Actually, it was more of a WHOOOSSHHHH!!! than a poof, but I can't take it back now. ITH was not only absorbent, he was SUPER absorbent -- nay, MEGA absorbent! Not only was this wicked mad cool, but it was also rad. ITH was quite happy. So he left Hell and went to Earth (Hell was quite pleased to see ITH leave, and consequently re-stoked its fires).
The next record we have of ITH is when it suddenly showed up on the shores of the Great Salt Lake. Apparently it had been traveling around the globe absorbing minor lakes and streams, testing its abilities. After soaking up most of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, it decided to try something more deserving of a mega absorbent tissue from Hell. So it came to the Great Salt Lake. It just so happened a friend of mine was enjoying a leisurely stroll out on the water (haha, funny salt joke) when suddenly all the water whooshed away (not poofed, mind you)! As he picked himself up off the now-dry lake bed, he chanced to see ITH as it glooshed off towards Salt Lake City. That's when I received the call.
"Thos! There's this tissue coming your way! I think it's from Hell, and it's probably safe to say it's rather incorrigible!" This was the call I had been waiting for. See, I had been sent to Earth for a special purpose. I never knew what that purpose was until I received this call. We've all been sent here to do something only we can do, just most of us don't know what it is until just before we do it. This was when I realized my purpose.
I hopped in good ol' Nader the Mantis (that's my car, people) and cruised on down the street at a very satisfying 115 miles per gallon. Then I had to stop at a stupid light, and that ate into my mileage, but I got some of it back as I hit a fine cruising speed again, popping from 2nd gear straight into 5th. Oooohhh yeaahhh... smooooth...
So anyway, it wasn't too difficult to find the Incorrigible Tissue from Hell. It was rampaging through the city, clearing up innocent civilians' congestion and relieving sinus pressure. I couldn't stand idly by and allow this to continue! I rushed up to the tissue and begged it to cease the madness, but it ignored me and continued to absorb mucus. It was clearly incorrigible, as my friend had suspected. Well, it was time to act. I ran up to the tissue (because while I was pondering things it had continued its frenzied absorbing) and grabbed it. It seemed as though it was trying to speak, but the thing hadn't any way of communicating so maybe I imagined it. Anyway, I brought ITH to my nose, and blew as hard as I could.
Unbeknownst to me, I had been blessed with mucus membranes capable of producing unlimited quantities of mucus at any given time, I just had to believe. Well, the biggest load of snot in all its lovely varieties of colors and consistencies erupted from my nose. ITH made a valiant attempt at absorbing it all, and for a while I was afraid even my snot-producing abilities wouldn't be enough. But just when it seemed that all was lost, the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen came up next to me, took ahold of another section of ITH, and blew the most beautiful slightly-viscous goo out of her nose! Our combined onslaught proved to be too much for ITH, and all of its mind functions ceased. Soon it became a limp, lifeless tissue. As I gazed into the wondrous eyes of the woman who had aided me, sniffing the leaking snot back into my nose, I had the greatest sense of accomplishment and fulfillment I have ever known! I barely noticed as the tissue was gently pulled into the heavens by some unseen force.
The tissue no longer concerned me. I had found the woman of my dreams, but that's another story.
Oh, and did I mention ITH also absorbed people's drinks and things? Yeah, it wasn't just snot and helping people. That thing was downright evil... from Hell, I tell ya!
