In Search of a Better Way

One fine, sunny day, Tommy went walking. As was sometimes the case, he decided to take the scenic route past the county prison. Being frequently beset by a crippling depression due to his lot in life, he would often further punish himself by looking in on that world that he so longed for, but that was so far out of his reach. And on this day, as he passed the majestic bejeweled towers, the blindingly blue lake, and the fabulously manicured grounds of the county prison, his eyes slowly teared up. Yet, it wasn't until he spotted the inmates in the midst of rehearsals for "Oklahoma!" that the tears began to flow. And as Tommy continued walking and the prison grounds were about to disappear behind the cusp of a hill, he caught a glimpse of a few inmates engaged in a magnificent re-imagining of an episode of "My Little Pony". That's when his self-pitying began to change.

As Tommy ran down the hill and back to his home, and as the overzealous soloist's "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" cadenzas slowly faded behind him, Tommy's despondency was morphing and solidifying into a firm resolve to change his life. By the time Tommy returned home, he was determined to get sent to prison.

The next day, preparations began. They would have begun the same day, but he had laundry to do, plus his dad called and he always talked for too long... So preparations began the next day. It wasn't easy to get sent to "the slammer" (oh, how Tommy loved the way those fancy words sounded in his ear!), but it was possible -- those men in orange jumpsuits playing with strange smelling, miniature plastic ponies were proof enough. It would no doubt take some planning and study, but Tommy would find a way. He had to.

In Tommy's society, prison is vastly different from those in our society. While the main purpose remains the same (the containment and "rehabilitation" of those who have committed crimes), the methods, architecture, landscaping, treatment of the inmates, and even the "qualifications for admittance" contrast sharply with what we are used to. In Tommy's society, prison is paradise. It is like an upscale spa, only it is funded by the state and the "clients" rarely go home. Of course, people are often killed in prison, just as they are in upscale spas.

The main problem that Tommy faced was that he wasn't quite sure how one got into prison. He began asking friends and family about it, but the answers were all very similar: "Come to think of it, I'm not really sure... but I sure would like to go there some day. It must be wonderful!"

Interrogatories directed at the judicial system were equally unhelpful. The judges themselves couldn't recall ever sending anyone to prison, but spoke with thinly veiled desire to be confined there -- they, of course, could not condone the thought that prison is wonderful.

Friends, family, teachers, mailmen, cops, hobos, mayors, veterinarians, judges... no one knew! Tommy was completely nonplussed, and sought desperately for some way to plus himself. After an exhaustive search, and just as Tommy was about to lose all hope and give up... he lost all hope and gave up. It appeared as though there simply wasn't any way to get into the "big house" -- the words sounded hollow to Tommy now. For Tommy, it was just "prison" from now on...

Some weeks later, a letter arrived at Tommy's home:

"Hello, good sir! We've heard tale that you desire entrance to the county jail! We admire your limited persistence, and have decided to present you with a limited stay! We hope you'll enjoy it!!!!"

Tommy was ecstatic! In a matter of a few hours, he found himself standing within the gates of the clink. As Tommy stood there dumbfounded, the inmates gathered around.

"Oh, drat!" one of them exclaimed, "I suppose I had better organize a quilting session to welcome our new friend! Why didn't anyone tell us beforehand, so that we could be ready? No new friend should be without a quilt. We had best be welcoming, after all."

This was heaven.

As the days went on, Tommy grew happier and happier. It was even better here than he had imagined. Pudding was always available for enjoyable consumption, for instance. Also, every other Tuesday was improv night. Tommy really sucked at improv, but he still found extreme bliss in it, and the other inmates were condescendingly kind.

As the weeks went on, and as Tommy started adjusting to his new life, he began to view things with a more critical eye. One day in particular, Tommy found himself engaged in a conversation with one of the inmates.

"See, people speak differently outside," said the inmate. "They have a different accent, and a different way of putting words together."

Tommy nodded in agreement.

The inmate continued: "They also use different words. For instance, in here, we often just refer to television as 'TV', and automobiles we call 'cars'. Outside, they don't understand these cute colloquialisms."

That didn't sound right to Tommy. He didn't nod this time, but didn't indicate disagreement, either.

"I sure am glad we aren't confined to their limited forms of expression... nor their awful, incomprehensible accents!"

Tommy grew annoyed. He was one of those from the "outside", but he was obviously perfectly understandable, and was quite proud of his frequent use of the word "TV" -- he probably used it too often, in fact. He doubted that this convict even knew that he was an outsider; probably the convict believed Tommy to have been transferred in from elsewhere.

A later conversation with a different prisoner proved more aggravating:

"It's really quite amusing," he said. "Those bumpkins outside are so quaint and naive." He looked expectantly at Tommy, but seeing a glint of anger in his eyes, the convict quickly exposited: "They simply have no idea how to keep their dairy products cool! Long ago, we developed the technology to store milk, cheese, and even various meats at cooler temperatures than the surrounding area, thereby increasing their usability lifetime. We can even freeze food to keep it bacteria-free nearly indefinitely! Those louts outside don't... they don't... hey! Where are you going?"

Tommy had stormed off. He was furious! This was too much. Everyone here seemed to think himself better than anyone on the outside, and not one of them had ever even met anyone from the outside. See, in the time that he had been here, Tommy had discovered that all of these prisoners were born here. The reason no one knew how to get into "the joint" (the euphoric sensation of pronouncing these words was gone) was because no one had been sent there in decades! At first, this was just a minor (though slightly frustrating) point of interest, but now it just added to Tommy's aggravation at the inmates' hoity-toity attitude.

They had no concept of what life was like outside. They had never been there. All their "knowledge" was hear-say and was warped to make the outside seem full of morons. They fully believed that life on the outside was lame. For his part, Tommy believed this to be the result of years of conditioning prisoners to abandon thoughts of escape -- if things such as refrigerators and water beds don't exist on the outside, and if I can play Mouse Trap and Monopoly on the inside, why would I want to escape? Or maybe it was just the natural consequence of spending one's entire life in an enclosed community where every want and need is attended to. Regardless (or irregardless, depending on who you are), Tommy couldn't take it.

How could anyone live here? Tommy didn't want to feel like he was better than others, unless he actually was better! Nothing seemed worse to Tommy than feeling superior when he was, at best, equal to those he derided. No, he couldn't stay here. All the pudding, improv, musicals, and My Little Pony reenactments in the world couldn't justify the mindframe necessary to stay here.

That's when Tommy decided to break out. "Break out" is probably too cool of a term, since all he had to do was remove a twist-tie from the gate and walk home, but technically the term is appropriate. So, Tommy broke out of prison and went home.

Thus it is that Tommy returns to his life, finally assured that living in the real world is best. And as he thinks back over the events of the last several months, he smiles to himself as he recalls the blissful ignorance of the prison inmates and their complete confidence that they know what the world outside is truly like. From outside, their perception of the world is almost quaint and cute. And as he sees his fellow "outsiders" longingly look at the county prison, inwardly he chuckles, remembering how it used to feel. But now, Tommy is above all that. He knows what life is like both on the inside and the outside. Now he truly is superior.

Yes, Tommy is quite pleased with himself... and completely oblivious to the fact that I have just shared his personal, private experience with you! So who's naive now, huh, Tommy? Yeah, it would seem that you're the one living in hypocritical and judgmental ignorance! HA!

I AM SUPERIOR!