Saturday, September 27, 2008

Nature is my Internet

I think I may be near death at the moment.

I went to bed around 3:00 AM this morning, only to find myself awake at 5:00 AM and completely unable to sleep. I lay there for two hours before giving up -- I just didn't feel tired.

A bit later I went to Lowe's to buy some vegetation killer for my increasingly ill-conceived front yard rehabilitation project. I spent an hour or so spraying it all over the place and breathing in the delicious fumes.

Afterwards, I found myself sitting on my couch with a pounding headache and a general dislike of everything. I watched TV, played some video games, and made a couple phone calls to try and schedule a meeting, and after four hours of this I thought maybe I could manage some sleep. So I took my body and rested it in a horizontal manner on the top of my bed, closed my eyes, and desperately tried to relax my mind. Eventually I somehow managed to succeed, and slept for a couple hours. I woke up feeling even worse, and realized that I hadn't really eaten anything all day...

Problem is, food seems pointless. I recognize a bodily need for sustenance, but there is no desire within me to consume food. I forced myself to drink some milk in the hopes that it would create a desire for chewable nourishment, but so far no go, and now I'm strangely aware that my stomach is cold. My brain feels sluggish, my eyeballs are clutching wildly at my eye sockets in a hopefully non-futile attempt to stay inside my skull, and I can't quite shake the feeling that life would be better if I didn't have a head.

So I think I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't attack nature. Now, if I don't die, I can put this life lesson to work. From now on, nature is my Internet, and I will love and cherish it, letting it run free and unshackled to express itself in ways both beautiful and ugly, both tragic and joyous, both terrible and sweet. The bad will come with the good, but I will learn to selectively filter it without destroying it, leaving the awful and rank for the white trash living down the street. They seem to like weeds quite a bit, just as some people enjoy the darker corners of the Internet... and who am I to judge?

Resolution: pull up unwanted foliage and plant it in neighbor's yard.

So nature, how about it? Do we have a deal? Can I have my well-being back, please?

4 comments:

Unknown said...

There seems to be a common thread throughout many of your posts -insomnia. Must be the cats - those creatures of the night - prying you from restful slumber. "Scratch our ears!" "Make the mouse toy move!!" "Be our slave!!!" Thank heaven I have a dog. Um...wait.....nevermind.....I think I have been writing about her, not cats, all along.

Grahamn Kracker said...

Gad, Springfang! I open this up and you tell me you are going to die?

Knock off this nonsense! I simply cannot afford either the time or money to travel to Salt Lake right now. So quit inhaling poison. Find out what bugs like the weeds you want to get rid of and import a bunch. Let them eat the weeds.

But then, look, it's just about winter. Why worry at all?

Unknown said...

HEY SPRINGFANG!! Did you cure your schizophrenia or did it finally take over your ability to type? I miss your musings.

springfang said...

I miss them, too. I've had a few mental musings lately that I thought about writing and posting... perhaps I shall try to do one or two posts over the holidays since I will finally have an actual vacation.