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I think I may be near death at the moment.
I went to bed around 3:00 AM this morning, only to find myself awake at 5:00 AM and completely unable to sleep. I lay there for two hours before giving up -- I just didn't feel tired.
A bit later I went to Lowe's to buy some vegetation killer for my increasingly ill-conceived front yard rehabilitation project. I spent an hour or so spraying it all over the place and breathing in the delicious fumes.
Afterwards, I found myself sitting on my couch with a pounding headache and a general dislike of everything. I watched TV, played some video games, and made a couple phone calls to try and schedule a meeting, and after four hours of this I thought maybe I could manage some sleep. So I took my body and rested it in a horizontal manner on the top of my bed, closed my eyes, and desperately tried to relax my mind. Eventually I somehow managed to succeed, and slept for a couple hours. I woke up feeling even worse, and realized that I hadn't really eaten anything all day...
Problem is, food seems pointless. I recognize a bodily need for sustenance, but there is no desire within me to consume food. I forced myself to drink some milk in the hopes that it would create a desire for chewable nourishment, but so far no go, and now I'm strangely aware that my stomach is cold. My brain feels sluggish, my eyeballs are clutching wildly at my eye sockets in a hopefully non-futile attempt to stay inside my skull, and I can't quite shake the feeling that life would be better if I didn't have a head.
So I think I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't attack nature. Now, if I don't die, I can put this life lesson to work. From now on, nature is my Internet, and I will love and cherish it, letting it run free and unshackled to express itself in ways both beautiful and ugly, both tragic and joyous, both terrible and sweet. The bad will come with the good, but I will learn to selectively filter it without destroying it, leaving the awful and rank for the white trash living down the street. They seem to like weeds quite a bit, just as some people enjoy the darker corners of the Internet... and who am I to judge?
Resolution: pull up unwanted foliage and plant it in neighbor's yard.
So nature, how about it? Do we have a deal? Can I have my well-being back, please?
To: Thos
From: Friends
These were the words inscribed on a pale yellow sticky-note. The note itself was affixed in a loving manner to a red plastic bag. The bag's contents weighed but one pound, while the bag itself weighed little. It was, perhaps, the contents of the bag that intrigued me most, though the bag itself was also interesting. For you see, much could be gained from the contents, but the bag could only carry things and suffocate little children -- well, maybe it could suffocate large children or various-sized adults, but it had no indication of this ability. And so it was that I opened the bag and began to remove the contents. The contents were many and varied in size, shape, and quality. Even so, the love and care that had gone into each and every individual object was clear. This had been the work of years. And the bag lay sadly on the desk, alone and forgotten as its contents were admired.
As I began to examine the objects closer and test their abilities, I kept having this nagging thought that the bag could also be enjoyed. "But what about the little children?" I thought, for I did not wish them to suffocate since this activity often leads to death (or so I'm told). With this objection I was able to push out thoughts of the forlorn bag whenever they came. Perhaps if I had paid more heed to these thoughts, things could have turned out better...
But the children! Even now, the thought sickens me! Who could possibly expect me to risk the lives of little children for the simple pleasures of a red plastic bag? And yet... and yet in retrospect I know better -- these thoughts for the children are nothing more than vain attempts at assuaging my guilt... justifying my actions...
It is easy to look at what happened and think poorly of my deeds and judge me harshly, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I merely attempt here to lay out what transpired. You are free to judge, but be aware that in doing so you are no better than me (again, justifying...).
As I continued to enjoy this gift from friends, I began to think and wonder who these friends might possibly be. Why did they give me this unsolicited gift? How had they gotten into my office without my noticing them? And perhaps most importantly of all, since when do my friends do nice things for me? I reflected on these questions as I drank my delicious, very low sodium A&W Cream Soda, which was very delicious. As I threw my now-empty A&W Cream Soda aluminum can into the recycling bin (we have quite the recycling program at work), it suddenly hit me. I rushed back to my office and reached out for the red plastic bag, but it was gone! "Oh no! THE CHILDREN!" I screamed, before I could stop myself. My office-mate (behind his back I call him chump) looked up and said, "You don't have any kids. What's goING ON?!" He had to yell out the last syllables, as I was already running out the door.
About 30 steps down the hall, I had to take a break. Computer programmers aren't accustomed to running, after all, and I had to take a breather and massage my calves. I was sweating bullets and breathing hard, remembering those lost days of youth when I used to scream around the neighborhood on my bike with my childhood pals. "What has happened to me?" I thought woozily. It was then that I collapsed on the floor...
When I came to, it was all over. Chump had found me and called an ambulance. As I lay in the hospital, I watched the evening news. It was all there. The red plastic bag. The children. The "friends". Oh, how could I have been so stupid? And as I sit here, back at work and fully recovered, I can't help but think that perhaps things could have ended better if I didn't sit in front of a computer all day... caffeine free A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda excepted...
