Nature is my Internet

I think I may be near death at the moment.

I went to bed around 3:00 AM this morning, only to find myself awake at 5:00 AM and completely unable to sleep. I lay there for two hours before giving up -- I just didn't feel tired.

A bit later I went to Lowe's to buy some vegetation killer for my increasingly ill-conceived front yard rehabilitation project. I spent an hour or so spraying it all over the place and breathing in the delicious fumes.

Afterwards, I found myself sitting on my couch with a pounding headache and a general dislike of everything. I watched TV, played some video games, and made a couple phone calls to try and schedule a meeting, and after four hours of this I thought maybe I could manage some sleep. So I took my body and rested it in a horizontal manner on the top of my bed, closed my eyes, and desperately tried to relax my mind. Eventually I somehow managed to succeed, and slept for a couple hours. I woke up feeling even worse, and realized that I hadn't really eaten anything all day...

Problem is, food seems pointless. I recognize a bodily need for sustenance, but there is no desire within me to consume food. I forced myself to drink some milk in the hopes that it would create a desire for chewable nourishment, but so far no go, and now I'm strangely aware that my stomach is cold. My brain feels sluggish, my eyeballs are clutching wildly at my eye sockets in a hopefully non-futile attempt to stay inside my skull, and I can't quite shake the feeling that life would be better if I didn't have a head.

So I think I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't attack nature. Now, if I don't die, I can put this life lesson to work. From now on, nature is my Internet, and I will love and cherish it, letting it run free and unshackled to express itself in ways both beautiful and ugly, both tragic and joyous, both terrible and sweet. The bad will come with the good, but I will learn to selectively filter it without destroying it, leaving the awful and rank for the white trash living down the street. They seem to like weeds quite a bit, just as some people enjoy the darker corners of the Internet... and who am I to judge?

Resolution: pull up unwanted foliage and plant it in neighbor's yard.

So nature, how about it? Do we have a deal? Can I have my well-being back, please?

It's been a frustrating day.

Out of an inconceivable blackness comes the slobbering documentation demon! Its eyes burn with an unnatural fire that was stoked before the beginning of time, and that thrives not on oxygen but on the endless supply of blood which the demon drinks from its victims. I turn and attempt to run, but it is too late! The documentation demon has already wrapped its barbed and acid-drenched tentacles around me -- each sucker lined with tiny teeth that tear haphazardly at my flesh. But the worst is yet to come.

As I scream and writhe in pain, several white hot needles are strategically inserted along the length of my spine. I cry out, "But it was written to your specifications! Why do you blame your unstable opinions on me?!?", but the documentation demon just opens what I assume is its mouth, fiendishly pausing to allow its sub-zero saliva to drip into my eyes. The documentation demon pulls out a cute little hammer (you know, like with little floral designs on the handle) which it uses to shatter each of my eyeballs. Fortunately by this time my brain is focused more on the lava being pumped into my body (is it considered magma if it is inside of you?), and so I am currently unaware of having lost my ability to see.

I should be dead. If there was any kindness or mercy in this world I WOULD BE DEAD! But I'm not. Somehow, the documentation demon is keeping me alive, ensuring that I feel each and every pain it is capable of causing -- and I have reason to doubt that there is any pain it cannot inflict. By this time I have become aware of my blindness, and this depresses me. "I never saw true beauty!" I scream silently as I begin to cry -- well, "cry".

The documentation demon laughs -- at least I think it's a laugh. It is clear that the beast is beyond content. Perhaps it is even happy, if this creature is even capable of feeling such emotions. Suddenly it loosens its grip. The needles are removed, and with one last bit of contempt the documentation demon slowly drags its barbed tentacles off of my body. I can sense its departure...

...it seems like I've been lying here forever. I am weighed down by the igneous rocks that have formed inside of me, I am incapable of seeing, and my flesh is a pulpy mess. Regardless, I know that I need to feel my way back to the keyboard and make those revisions to the document I was working on. It's going to be a lot more difficult since that stupid documentation demon blinded me, but if I don't do it I... well... I don't really want to think too much about that.

Money is everything.